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Joke Thread II
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Thread: Joke Thread II

  1. #1
    PEEPING TOM



    Bob told his friend, "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" asked his friend. "No," said Bob. "That's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No," said Bob. "She got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."
    Swap meet Sally,Tramp stamp kat,mousewife to momshell in the time it took for you to get that new Tattoo.Tattoo Tattoo!

  2. #2
    One day, a teacher told her students to come up with a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was up, she called on Johnny, who said, "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply."
    Swap meet Sally,Tramp stamp kat,mousewife to momshell in the time it took for you to get that new Tattoo.Tattoo Tattoo!

  3. #3
    Q: Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
    A: He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister! :lol:
    Swap meet Sally,Tramp stamp kat,mousewife to momshell in the time it took for you to get that new Tattoo.Tattoo Tattoo!

  4. #4
    SPECIAL SANDALS
    A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace, looking at the wide assortment of goods, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say, "Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So, the couple walked in. The shopkeeper said, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals upon hearing the claims, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, mon." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on dee wrong feet, mon, you got dem on the dee wrong feet! :85:
    Swap meet Sally,Tramp stamp kat,mousewife to momshell in the time it took for you to get that new Tattoo.Tattoo Tattoo!

  5. #5
    Swap meet Sally,Tramp stamp kat,mousewife to momshell in the time it took for you to get that new Tattoo.Tattoo Tattoo!

  6. #6

    :85:
    Swap meet Sally,Tramp stamp kat,mousewife to momshell in the time it took for you to get that new Tattoo.Tattoo Tattoo!

  7. #7
    Band Technician
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    The Netherlands
    Posts
    763
    A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "So", sys St. Peter, "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

    "Well", says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

    The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

    Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

    "Well, now, what's going on here?" asks St. Peter.

    "Well, your holiness", says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
    M.A.D.E. Van Halen
    Mike, Alex, Dave and Edward made Van Halen

  8. #8
    :85: Verry funny, sIN...............
    Swap meet Sally,Tramp stamp kat,mousewife to momshell in the time it took for you to get that new Tattoo.Tattoo Tattoo!

  9. #9
    Groupie
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Louisiana
    Posts
    92
    One day Pete was complaining to his friend 'my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'.
    His friend said 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose
    anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample
    in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it.
    It only costs $10.00.' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a
    urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the
    sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and
    various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It
    said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor,
    it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that
    computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a
    try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
    his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
    He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine
    and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the
    following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms,
    get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic.
    Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer.

    And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better! :184:
    a person once asked me "uhh...Van Halen and Led Zeppelin...who are they?"

  10. #10
    THEE bassist for VH
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    someplace you're not
    Posts
    19,977
    AUTOPSY CLASS

    An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to have to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses' anus, then licked it.

    Now you must do the same, he told the class.

    After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

    Secondly, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation.

    For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus........


    BUT LICKED MY INDEX FINGER? :blink:


 

 

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